I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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