I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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