I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
