its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
