i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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