When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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