Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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