and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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