Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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