Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
