I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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