I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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