Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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