woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
