I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
