I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
