When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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