my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
