You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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