There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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