Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did i just pee glitter
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
