Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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