Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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