he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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