Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
