I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
