Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
