Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
