Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
