So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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