you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
