I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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