I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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