is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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