I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
