his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you had me at cake vodka
Every concussion has its silver lining
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
