I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
