There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
