but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
bring money and cleavage
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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