I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
