Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
