i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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