My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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