tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
