My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
