I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Someone shattered a urinal.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
