fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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