party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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