she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Boobs speak an international language.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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