Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
