I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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