My sheets look like a crime scene.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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