I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Operation Purity has been aborted
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
