We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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