I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
