I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
