I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
