Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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