At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize