I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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