I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
