why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize