she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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